On Pain
Chapter 2

Empowering People

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I believe that how well we deal with our pain determines how successful we are in our relationships (and in our lives in general), that most of us know very little about how to do so, and that people go to therapists' offices hoping to allay their pain after many other failed attempts to do so. 
 
When I speak of pain, I mean the entire spectrum, from the physical pain of a slipped disk or a sore tooth to the emotional hurts, frustrations, sorrows and scares of losing a loved one, being put down or threatened. 
 
Most of us have been taught that to acknowledge, experience and express any of life's inevitable pain is a sign of weakness, of cowardice, of unworthiness; and we have learned our lessons well. We stuff it, swallow it, choke it down, hold it back, keep cool, maintain, keep from losing control. We run away from the disturbing meanings of our distressing events; we particularly run from the possibility or actuality of experiencing significant emotional pain, especially from someone discovering that we are imperfect and therefore unlovable. 
 
When it comes to pain, we have only two choices, either to acknowledge/express/experience our distress or to pretend that we are not hurting even though we are. We seem to believe that pretending will keep the distressing event or the pain of it from happening. But we can no more flee from what we feel (i.e., how we are affected by how well or badly things are going in our lives) than we can ignore the need to empty our bladders. We can seem to succeed for awhile, but not forever. In fact, the more we try to stop it, the more we must struggle, suffer, and be haunted by what we do not want to feel. 
 
I believe that all addictions (e.g., nicotine, alcohol, chocolate, running, sex) are actually strategies aimed at evading pain indefinitely. However, there are no free rides, no short-cuts. Addictive behavior always involves compulsion, tolerance-building, damage to one's body, and despair. 
 
After specializing in "primal" therapy for more than 14 years, I have reached the conclusion that most of what we call "pathology" is the outcome of these attempts to avoid experiencing the pain of anticipating being, or actually being, harmed or abandoned. These struggles, sufferings, and hauntings generally begin early in life. (They start even before birth, during birth, or during the first five years of life, depending upon which expert you consult.) 
 
When we were young, most of us could keep pretending that someday some success (e.g., an advanced degree, a promotion at work, wealth or love) would deliver us from our unwanted pain. (For example, people have approached me for counseling only to cancel before beginning because in the meantime they had found a new boy or girl friend.) However, as the years unfold, it becomes increasingly difficult for us to continue believing that success at love or work will save us from our distress: because having achieved these things, we still suffer or, having not achieved them, we can hardly continue pretending hope. 
 
Another problem is that, in general, the longer we attempt to avoid experiencing our particular pain—for instance, the embarrassment of being criticized in front of classmates—the less clear and more mysterious it tends to become. At this point people fearfully describe a vague but frightening and real troubledness in their lives. Unfortunately, this is usually also the point at which others tend to try to dissuade such people from their pain (e.g., "There's nothing to worry about," "Don't cry," "Everything will be okay"), as though it were possible for them to choose otherwise; it is not, which is why everybody simply hasn't decided to be happy. 
 
We can move ahead only by first accepting where we are. While attempts to escape from pain are ultimately impossible and disturbing, truly acknowledging/experiencing/expressing our pain is healing, integrating and in our (and, really, everyone's) best interest. Experiencing our pain clarifies what we're in pain about, thus enabling us to minister most effectively to ourselves. It also validates, supports, reassures our distressed selves by providing, for each of us, a sense of "I can," "I am able," "although difficult, this is something I can do;" and it provides relief and a sense of well-being." The considerable energy that previously had gone to the painful process of holding things back, is being released, is unburdening and pleasurable. 
 
One caveat: Since we have learned our lessons well, pursuing this course of action can be confusing and frightening. It is a journey that takes time and often requires skillful help. 
 


©1998 Stephen E. Linn, Ph.D. • Empowering People


Attempts to escape from pain are ultimately impossible and disturbing.
Experiencing & expressing our pain is healing, integrating and in our  best interest.

Empowering People

I AM WHAT I AM!
Essays on Being Human

Chapter 1
On Feeling
Chapter 2
On Pain
Chapter 3
Being Depressed
Chapter 4
On Primal

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